This is an open letter that I wrote to May 2009.
To be honest I feel like a written letter might be a little dramatic but I feel I have been pushed into a corner. Week in, week out, you are a no goodnik; You have ushered in such evenings as darts on ketamine. The online Hearts tournament on a sunny day was the last straw. Your wilful ham-fisted attempts at poignant wallowing have to stop. Sad Club? you invented Sad Club. Congrats Loser. This is not what I expect from you, you are not February. This behaviour is frankly below a calendar month of such standing. I know that April bagged Easter this year and June always has the longest day but you have two bank holiday weekends for Christ’s sake, have some dignity. Do you think the bankers are feeling sorry for themselves right now? No. They are back out there trying to make themselves money again. Who could possibly begrudge them a day to kickback in tailored shorts, sunglasses on their well tended thatches? No one, that’s who, because it’s a three day party and we’re all invited. Does October have any three day parties? No. You don’t see October complaining do you? No, October gets on with things. October embraces loungewear out of necessity not indulgence. I know folk expect a lot from you, the dawn of summer and kind hearted youth; I understand that this can be a burden on one so delicate and tender but expectations are the very fabric of happiness and no month can escape them. I will not tolerate it. Buck up your ideas.
With (tough) Love